22 Hours Later

For once I felt like someone wanted to slightly learn something about me.
Too often I find that people are too interested in themselves.
I want someone to be interested in the worst details.
The details that are hard to listen to.
The details that no one wants to see.
It is not easy to ask about someones past because you do not know what they want to talk about.
I am done being scared to tell people my past.
I just need someone to ask.
I do not want to go to a therapist and have them ask, I want a friend to show how much they care.
Ask me what is the worst thing that has happened me.
I will tell you, and watch your face switch from anger, to sadness to worried.
Ask me about my childhood.
Dig up the worst memories from my childhood.
I will tell you while I laugh at the terrible things that I went through.
I can laugh now.
My past is a part of who I am, but it is not who I am.
Dig up my life.
I will explain how badly I was abandoned.
I will explain how it felt to become a parent in the 6th grade, while not having any kids of my own.
Someone please care enough to learn all of me details.
My story is long and descriptive and I want to tell it.

Another Loss

I have come accustomed to being alone.
That does not mean I like it.
That also does not mean I enjoy it.
I am have lost too many friends.
Not one of them was a death.
But instead they all chose to walk out of my life.
Any person I have chosen to get close to.
They choose to walk away.
Usually a man who has gained feelings for me, and cannot stand to just be my friend.
I have also lost the friendship of women.
Women who preferred to live their lives without me in it.
Who found no particular importance in me.
Saying all this does not make it any easier.
It does not make me feel any better.
I am constantly hurt by those who choose to leave my life.
It is hard to let go sometimes, too.
But when they choose to leave, I am left with no choice.
Just another page in my life that I wish could be unwritten.

Revival

I have been getting too lost in my own mind.
I have had a lot of small things go wrong.
Though they are small, when they come together they seem bigger.
I feel like I have no friends.
I am worried about the amount of loans I have to take out for school.
I am too worried about my relationship, rather than enjoying it.
My body seems to be having more and more problems.
I used to feel so held together.
Lately I have just been feeling like I am falling apart more and more

In Memory

My memory is weak.
Except when it comes to remembering everything that happened.
It is all there.
I remember the pipes.
I remember the meth baggies.
I remember the strange people in and out of the house.
I remember feeling extra shy around the strange men that felt too close.
I remember the physical pain my dad caused my mom.
I remember being scared and living in a motel.
I remember not even knowing if we would have a place to live.
I remember Disneyland, and leaving because she was smoking her pipe.
I remember seeing them both cry.
I remember watching my dad drive away on my birthday.
I remember she was mad when we spent her meth money on dinner.
I remember constantly waking up to loud noises.
Because she snuck him in again.
I remember not seeing my mom because she was in jail.
Or in the hospital.
I remember moving school so many times and not having friends.
Because I did not have time to make them.
The one place I thought I would be safe.
I was molested.
I remember not having anyone to talk to.
I remember crying for days or for weeks.
I remember being scared it would happen again when we went over to visit.
But still too scared to speak up.
I remember feeling raped.
I remember not telling anyone, again.
I remember that same fear.
I remember not having anyone to talk to.
Because they do not understand.
It is all in the past.
It is all just memories.

Scars

I have my own set of scars.
Those who had the ideal childhood cannot see the scars.
They see excuses.
They see a life that needs to be lived outside of the past.
Those who had a rough childhood understands.
They see the constant pain.
They see the realm of reminders of things that happened.
I see that those things are not happening again.
I see that I am growing from them.
I see that I still feel everything.
I cannot forget what made me.
I cannot forget not remembering having parents because of the meth that was smoked in a pipe.
I cannot forget moving to many different schools because we never stayed put.
I cannot forget all those days of not having food, because meth was more important.
I cannot forget being shy and quiet because all I could think about was the day before.
All I could think about was the pipe and baggy I found in her purse.
I did not get close to anyone.
It was hard.
Hard to trust anyone when you cannot even trust your parents, the first two you think you can.
I do not have to get over what I went through.
I do not live a life of sorrow through it.
I live a life of happiness.
My mind just never forgets.
Pain does not go away.
It hides in deep places.
Scars do not disappear.
They only fade deeper.

Rough Moments

Ever feel like you are just having a really rough day.

Or maybe it even feels like a really rough two days.

Well for me it has felt like a really rough two weeks.

A time that I have been going through some ups and downs.

My long term relationship has been rocky.

My self-esteem has been extra low.

I stopped self-loathing and really went for it this time.

I found a self-help book that was not a pity party.

I found a self-help book that told me I was awesome and all the ways to rediscover that.

Not by doing some crazy adventure.

But just by a process of seeing who I am again.

It feels good.

I am learning how to be patient again.

I am learning how to be happy again.

I still feel like I am stuck in my depression and anxiety.

But I am seeking many natural ways to fix that.

I am looking to be more active (when it is not 100 degrees of course).

I am looking to indulge myself with happier people.

This post is not about me feeling all happy and well again.

This post is about me being real.

About me falling really deep in my emotions and trying to overcome what feels like I cannot.

I am a real person.

I am a person who has been breaking under my own emotions.

Lesson Learned

I let too much of my happiness lay in one person. 

He did not hurt me or break my heart. 

I just became too invested. 

I forgot to love myself. 

I always hated when people said to love yourself before you love someone else. 

But I get it now. 

Whenever I feel the slightest insecure or unhappy about my life it rubs off on my significant other. 

He gets the largest piece of my bad moments. 

If I loved myself that's not going to happen right? 

Well I will still have some bad moments. 

But they will be rare. 

So cheers to working to love and be proud of myself again!! 

The End

Today I nearly lost a source of my happiness.
I nearly lost someone I never expected to lose.
It felt like there was literally pain in my heart through it all.
There were tears.
Now I am left feeling numb.
Now I am left feeling empty.
I do not even desire to feel happy.
I just want to run from life.
I want to go somewhere else.
I want to know that my happiness is out there somewhere.
I want to know that happiness does not have to come with hurt.
I do not want to be so close to the edge.
I want to wander on the inside.
My anxiety is not eating at me this time.
My over active mind is the one in control this time.
Today I almost feel like not trying anymore.

Pulling Back

I give people a lot of me. 

I am so willing to be so helpful to people. 

I am so willing to be at their side when they need me. 

Just to find I rarely get that same willingness back. 

That does not deter me. 

My heart knows that doing good does not need a return. 

My heart also knows I need someone there for me, at least occasionally. 

I will never stop caring for everyone. 

I will never stop trying to see people smile. 

But occasionally I pull back and remind myself not to put myself too far out there. 

It is hard when you realize some people take advantage of your goodness. 

I love to be kind. 

I love being who I am. 

I will protect myself meanwhile. 

Yosemite

I went on a vacation with my boyfriends family for the weekend. 

Everything was so miraculous and beautiful. 

Huge waterfalls and happy people all around. 

Trees that look like they are touching the sky. 

It is not until we leave that my anxiety hits. 

I felt proud too, I did not have to worry about my anxiety. 

Then my face starts popping with way too many pimples. 

This is frustrating because everyone knows that pimples do not help self esteem. 

Adding on to that is the fact that my face is sensitive so I have to go on a particular search for something to keep my face happy. 

Then we are a few hours from Yosemite and my boyfriend asks is we brought our toiletries from the bear box. 

Mind you he was the one that wanted to pack the car. 

So we forgot that. 

Including my toothbrush, retainer and deodorant. 

This is when my anxiety hits. 

So I took one of prescribed pills for my anxiety. 

Waiting for what seems like an eternity just for the pill to kick in. 

Oh man I even start to wonder if the pill even works. 

Next thing you know a tear falls. 

A tear of frustration. 

Damn anxiety cannot just let me hang loose and deal with problems as they happen. 

You know like most people can. 

So here I am trying to stay calm while my anxiety tries to prevent that from happening. 

New Day

I have found weird ways to deal with my anxiety lately.
When someone started giving me a weird feeling or making me mad I made a weird little song.
Someone would make me mad and I would quietly sing, "I see rainbows in your eyes."
Just because this song would make me laugh and think of something better than all the negative I want to think of.
I also noticed I cannot deal with change without feeling anxious.
The change makes my mind go a million miles per hour.
It is scary.
I have learned that when there is a change that I need to think of why this change is good.
I keep thinking of positive things to make this change better than the original plan.
This plan is not yet full proof.
I still silently go crazy.
My mind is still thinking way more than it should.
But everyday I keep trying.
I keep trying to find some solution to my silent problem.
I do not want my anxiety to control me anymore.
I want to live as if this is not a part of me.

Too Many Thoughts

Sometimes your mind thinks more than you want it to.
Sometimes you cannot control a single thought.
My anxiety has been making my body tired and restless.
I want to stop everything and lay like a starfish on the floor.
But I cannot stop or I get shaky and nervous.
Nothing in particular is making me this way.
No one did anything.
I am trying to make it stop.
I know this is just my mind going to the wrong place.
I know it is not the end of the world.
But suddenly I am feeling suffocated in a wide open area.
I just keep feeling insane as I am the only one going through this.
Just keep saying positive things.
Just keep saying positive things.
Repetition.
The only thing that brings me back out of this helpless cave.
Anxiety.
Incurable but overcomeable.