Revival

I have been getting too lost in my own mind.
I have had a lot of small things go wrong.
Though they are small, when they come together they seem bigger.
I feel like I have no friends.
I am worried about the amount of loans I have to take out for school.
I am too worried about my relationship, rather than enjoying it.
My body seems to be having more and more problems.
I used to feel so held together.
Lately I have just been feeling like I am falling apart more and more

In Memory

My memory is weak.
Except when it comes to remembering everything that happened.
It is all there.
I remember the pipes.
I remember the meth baggies.
I remember the strange people in and out of the house.
I remember feeling extra shy around the strange men that felt too close.
I remember the physical pain my dad caused my mom.
I remember being scared and living in a motel.
I remember not even knowing if we would have a place to live.
I remember Disneyland, and leaving because she was smoking her pipe.
I remember seeing them both cry.
I remember watching my dad drive away on my birthday.
I remember she was mad when we spent her meth money on dinner.
I remember constantly waking up to loud noises.
Because she snuck him in again.
I remember not seeing my mom because she was in jail.
Or in the hospital.
I remember moving school so many times and not having friends.
Because I did not have time to make them.
The one place I thought I would be safe.
I was molested.
I remember not having anyone to talk to.
I remember crying for days or for weeks.
I remember being scared it would happen again when we went over to visit.
But still too scared to speak up.
I remember feeling raped.
I remember not telling anyone, again.
I remember that same fear.
I remember not having anyone to talk to.
Because they do not understand.
It is all in the past.
It is all just memories.

Scars

I have my own set of scars.
Those who had the ideal childhood cannot see the scars.
They see excuses.
They see a life that needs to be lived outside of the past.
Those who had a rough childhood understands.
They see the constant pain.
They see the realm of reminders of things that happened.
I see that those things are not happening again.
I see that I am growing from them.
I see that I still feel everything.
I cannot forget what made me.
I cannot forget not remembering having parents because of the meth that was smoked in a pipe.
I cannot forget moving to many different schools because we never stayed put.
I cannot forget all those days of not having food, because meth was more important.
I cannot forget being shy and quiet because all I could think about was the day before.
All I could think about was the pipe and baggy I found in her purse.
I did not get close to anyone.
It was hard.
Hard to trust anyone when you cannot even trust your parents, the first two you think you can.
I do not have to get over what I went through.
I do not live a life of sorrow through it.
I live a life of happiness.
My mind just never forgets.
Pain does not go away.
It hides in deep places.
Scars do not disappear.
They only fade deeper.