Rough Moments

Ever feel like you are just having a really rough day.

Or maybe it even feels like a really rough two days.

Well for me it has felt like a really rough two weeks.

A time that I have been going through some ups and downs.

My long term relationship has been rocky.

My self-esteem has been extra low.

I stopped self-loathing and really went for it this time.

I found a self-help book that was not a pity party.

I found a self-help book that told me I was awesome and all the ways to rediscover that.

Not by doing some crazy adventure.

But just by a process of seeing who I am again.

It feels good.

I am learning how to be patient again.

I am learning how to be happy again.

I still feel like I am stuck in my depression and anxiety.

But I am seeking many natural ways to fix that.

I am looking to be more active (when it is not 100 degrees of course).

I am looking to indulge myself with happier people.

This post is not about me feeling all happy and well again.

This post is about me being real.

About me falling really deep in my emotions and trying to overcome what feels like I cannot.

I am a real person.

I am a person who has been breaking under my own emotions.

Lesson Learned

I let too much of my happiness lay in one person. 

He did not hurt me or break my heart. 

I just became too invested. 

I forgot to love myself. 

I always hated when people said to love yourself before you love someone else. 

But I get it now. 

Whenever I feel the slightest insecure or unhappy about my life it rubs off on my significant other. 

He gets the largest piece of my bad moments. 

If I loved myself that's not going to happen right? 

Well I will still have some bad moments. 

But they will be rare. 

So cheers to working to love and be proud of myself again!! 

The End

Today I nearly lost a source of my happiness.
I nearly lost someone I never expected to lose.
It felt like there was literally pain in my heart through it all.
There were tears.
Now I am left feeling numb.
Now I am left feeling empty.
I do not even desire to feel happy.
I just want to run from life.
I want to go somewhere else.
I want to know that my happiness is out there somewhere.
I want to know that happiness does not have to come with hurt.
I do not want to be so close to the edge.
I want to wander on the inside.
My anxiety is not eating at me this time.
My over active mind is the one in control this time.
Today I almost feel like not trying anymore.

Pulling Back

I give people a lot of me. 

I am so willing to be so helpful to people. 

I am so willing to be at their side when they need me. 

Just to find I rarely get that same willingness back. 

That does not deter me. 

My heart knows that doing good does not need a return. 

My heart also knows I need someone there for me, at least occasionally. 

I will never stop caring for everyone. 

I will never stop trying to see people smile. 

But occasionally I pull back and remind myself not to put myself too far out there. 

It is hard when you realize some people take advantage of your goodness. 

I love to be kind. 

I love being who I am. 

I will protect myself meanwhile. 

Yosemite

I went on a vacation with my boyfriends family for the weekend. 

Everything was so miraculous and beautiful. 

Huge waterfalls and happy people all around. 

Trees that look like they are touching the sky. 

It is not until we leave that my anxiety hits. 

I felt proud too, I did not have to worry about my anxiety. 

Then my face starts popping with way too many pimples. 

This is frustrating because everyone knows that pimples do not help self esteem. 

Adding on to that is the fact that my face is sensitive so I have to go on a particular search for something to keep my face happy. 

Then we are a few hours from Yosemite and my boyfriend asks is we brought our toiletries from the bear box. 

Mind you he was the one that wanted to pack the car. 

So we forgot that. 

Including my toothbrush, retainer and deodorant. 

This is when my anxiety hits. 

So I took one of prescribed pills for my anxiety. 

Waiting for what seems like an eternity just for the pill to kick in. 

Oh man I even start to wonder if the pill even works. 

Next thing you know a tear falls. 

A tear of frustration. 

Damn anxiety cannot just let me hang loose and deal with problems as they happen. 

You know like most people can. 

So here I am trying to stay calm while my anxiety tries to prevent that from happening. 

New Day

I have found weird ways to deal with my anxiety lately.
When someone started giving me a weird feeling or making me mad I made a weird little song.
Someone would make me mad and I would quietly sing, "I see rainbows in your eyes."
Just because this song would make me laugh and think of something better than all the negative I want to think of.
I also noticed I cannot deal with change without feeling anxious.
The change makes my mind go a million miles per hour.
It is scary.
I have learned that when there is a change that I need to think of why this change is good.
I keep thinking of positive things to make this change better than the original plan.
This plan is not yet full proof.
I still silently go crazy.
My mind is still thinking way more than it should.
But everyday I keep trying.
I keep trying to find some solution to my silent problem.
I do not want my anxiety to control me anymore.
I want to live as if this is not a part of me.